I’m not gonna sugarcoat it: The reality of parenting is far from the blissful social media posts. It’s a mix of love, chaos, and constant self-doubt.
There are moments when my frustration boils over during one of the two of my kids' tantrums. It isn’t just about the noise or the mess for me—it’s about feeling out of control. Growing up, I wasn’t allowed to express anger or frustration, which made it hard for me to deal with those emotions as an adult.
Realising this connection was a turning point for me.
Anger is a common and often misunderstood emotion in parenting.
One of the first steps in addressing anger is understanding where it comes from. Anger can be triggered by many things: stress, lack of sleep, unmet expectations, or unresolved issues from our own childhoods. When your child is having a meltdown or is disagreeing with you, it can push all your buttons, bringing up feelings of frustration and helplessness.
Interestingly, the source of our reactions is often rooted in our own past experiences rather than our kids' behaviours today.
So, why do we get so mad at our kids?
Children have an uncanny ability to mirror our own emotions and behaviours. When they act out, it often reflects our inner turmoil. For many parents, their child's behaviour triggers feelings of inadequacy or failure.
Understanding this can help you see that your anger is often more about you than it is about your child.
Think back to the last time you lost your temper.
What was really happening? Was it the spilled milk, the tantrum, your kid not listening, or was it a deeper feeling of being overwhelmed and unappreciated? Often, it’s the latter.
When our children push our buttons, they’re often hitting on unresolved feelings from our past.
Becoming aware of your own triggers is crucial.
Ask yourself, "What exactly is making me angry?" Sometimes, it’s not just the immediate situation but accumulated stress from other areas of your life. By identifying the real source of your anger, you can begin to address it more effectively.
Note that we are not trying to lock the anger away or block it, rather we are trying to find out more about what brings it up.
Recall the last time you felt really angry at your child, focus on that feeling, and follow these steps:
Identify Your Own Triggers: Our angry reactions often stem from deeper emotional layers. Are you feeling unheard, disrespected, or overwhelmed? Maybe the noise or disagreement makes you feel chaotic and out of control.
Recognise Your Own Pain Points: Often, our anger is a response to hidden vulnerabilities—those tender spots from our past. For instance, if you weren't allowed to express "big emotions" as a child, your child's emotional outbursts might bring up feelings of inadequacy. Instead of stopping the anger, try focusing on the fact that it is telling you more about your own unmet needs.
Figure Out What You Need in the Moment and What to Address Later: Ask yourself, "What do I need right now?". Maybe it’s a quite moment alone in another room, or maybe it’s asking your partner or friend to handle the heated conversation with your child. But also note what you may need to address later: "I am angry because I feel my child disrespects me after all I do for them." Focusing on the roots of that feeling with a therapist or a trusted friend can be helpful.
Now, let's focus what your child may be feeling and how you can help them.
During a tantrum, your child isn't trying to hurt or attack you; they're simply struggling to handle the emotional rollercoaster life is throwing at them.
Depending on the age of your child, they may be going through phases where they test boundaries or seek validation for their experiences and feelings. The tantrum, stomping, yelling, or disengaging are all defence mechanisms compensating for connection or validation they are missing at that moment.
Not to say that your decision on "No late night parties at Jackie's" or "Cookies are not dinner" is to be debated.
However, your child's feelings of anger and frustration that come from the "seeming ban of all the fun in life" understandable and normal, even if their actions and words are less than desired.
10 Steps to Reconnect with Your Child:
Focus on your Child: Look at your child and notice their little feet, hands, and big eyes. Appreciate and remind yourself that your child is still small. This can bring up feelings of compassion and love towards them even in very difficult moments.
Take a Pause: You can always come back to your immediate reactions of anger or blame, but the harder part is not to overreact when your child does. Take a few breaths or go to a different room if you need to. Remember you are trying your best.
Validate Your Child's Feelings: You may have to do some guesswork here, but as a parent, you probably have a good sense of what your child is feeling at the moment. Pause and restate those feelings aloud to your child. Repeat and rephrase the statement a few times if need, and see if they start to calm down or agree/disagree with you: "I see you are so mad right now. You really really wanted to keep playing Legos all night. And you really do not want to put pyjamas on."
Let Your Child Take Their Time: Everything you do may be perfect according to "the protocol," but your child may not be ready to listen and reconnect yet. Give them time and let them know that you "really want to know what is going on" for them, that you "see they are not ready yet" and "that is totally understandable" and you "will be there when they are ready."
Avoid Correcting Their Behavior or Judging Their Feelings: It is often counterproductive to say, "I wish you just did listened to me!" in the midst of a conflict. Instead, try to work out the path that brought them to the emotional reaction they are having and tell them you understand, however silly or illogical it may be: "You really really wanted the be able to reach the Moon with your hand. And now you are super mad you cannot. And it makes you sad you cannot touch it like one of your toys." Note how this is a factual cause and effect statement only. Let your child correct you on what they are really feeling and restate their version to them out load a few times.
Offer a Hug or Just Be There for Support: Remind your child that you "are there for them and to support them". In that moment, it may be hard for them to see, but it goes a long way after the emotions have cooled down. Note that this is not a debate on the boundary or rule you have set as a parent. Neither is it a defensive "one day you will understand how much I am doing for you" statement.
Ask your Child or Suggest What Could Help in the Moment: Keep in mind that it may not be a logical solution like "just try to do something fun instead". We cannot fix everything or make it "all better." If your child is open to listening, explain that life is hard sometimes and difficult feelings come up, even for adults.
Don't Rush to Fix It: Your child may want to stay "grumpy" for a bit. Let them know that is okay and go on with the day, reminding them you "love them and are there for them even if they are grumpy, mad, sad, or angry".
Keep Your Cool: If your child is not used to being approached this way, be ready for them not to listen immediately and needing some time. From my experience, the more you practice (all or some of) these steps, the more natural they become, and the quicker your child responds.
Check In After a While: When strong emotions have faded, see if your child would be interested in sharing more with you. This can help you pinpoint the inner struggle they are going through and address those issues proactively. Your child may tell you for instance: "My big sister is always allowed to do / gets what she wants, but no one ever listens to me!"
In the longer term, the more compassionate responses we give in moments of conflict and painful emotions, the fewer of those moments we encounter and the less intense they seem.
Think of the 10 steps outlined above as ingredients in a recipe for more compassionate parenting. In real life, it's often difficult to follow the recipe perfectly. Given the complexity of our minds and the busyness of our lives, it's unrealistic to expect to get every step right every time. And it's totally okay if you mix up the order of the steps or just add a few from the list.
Don't be hard on yourself if you can't adhere to all the steps. Even following a few is like adding key ingredients to the mix—you're still making progress.
It’s important to remember that we are not perfect.
It’s okay to get mad. Admitting that you don’t have all the answers and that you struggle just like any other individual can be incredibly freeing. It also sets a powerful example for your children, showing them that it’s okay to have strong emotions, take responsibility for them and to seek support when needed.
It shows your children that it’s normal to feel angry, sad or frustrated and that seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness.